Just under four years ago I miscarried. October 16th 2006 was by far the worst day of my life. Any mother who has lost a child can tell you just how devastating a miscarriage is. I truly felt robbed, especially when a good friend got pregnant the same week I did, and had a beautiful healthy daughter. Every accomplishment that little girl has had, makes me think about what my baby would have been doing.
The Bible says that the devil came to steal, kill, and destroy. Now I can’t really state that the devil killed my baby, but the destruction his whispers caused upon my already shaking faith certainly fits his terrible character.
God does not rob from people, but when a devastation occurrence happens in one’s life, they will often hear that word replayed in their mind. Lost a job? Lost a family member? Lost a baby? Any loss that anyone could go through can feel like theft.
As the years passed I watched many friends give birth, that first girl who got pregnant the same week I did, is three months away from having baby number three! It is so hard to resist comparing myself to those women. Every time a new baby is introduced I raise my eyes to heaven and ask “Why God? Why have you forgotten me?”
Then comes the torment… over and over, week after week I would go to church and see new mothers, new babies, new families, new pregnancies. Every one broke my heart, just a little more. Honestly, I began to wonder if my heart could continue to break! Despite all the promises God had made, I began to believe that going to church was just my ‘Weekly Torture’. I started to franticly consider all my faults, and wonder if I caused this curse upon me.
For a season a strong message went out in my church about how children are Gods ‘Perfect Gift’. While that is true and biblically accurate to be sure, week after week hearing such good messages was torture upon a barren woman’s soul.
Every baby cry in a store would cause me to stop everything I did and look. I would avoid walking by the baby section so I wouldn’t agonize about wanting to see and feel every soft baby blanket, and cute infant toy. It truly effected everyday life.
On top of all this torment, I began to feel guilty for being so obsessed. With most obsessions you can stop what you are doing, and do some sort of action to change your habits. It’s very different when you haven’t been able to have children and children are everywhere you look. The guilt began to erode the little faith I had left, I was afraid that if I continued to be constantly thinking about children it would never happen. I would go through seasons of depression, and season of hope and sunshine.
Of course, the Bible has many answers, balms to sooth a hurting heart.
I knew that setting myself up for disappointment was only going to hurt me…
12 Unrelenting disappointment leaves you heartsick,
but a sudden good break can turn life around. Proverbs 13:12
My heart was growing so sick, and on top of that, I had the guilt of feeling I was being obsessed. God wanted to take care of that one too, let me know I was NORMAL!
Three things are never satisfied,
no, there are four that never say, "That's enough, thank you!"—
hell,
a barren womb,
a parched land,
a forest fire. Prov 30:16
Now the other three make perfect sense! Hell consumes people’s souls like no tomorrow, a desert, which would a parched land, can never have enough water to make it lush like a Maine forest! Those that live in areas where forest fires are common know that it is extremely destructive and takes, sometimes, months to fight! So why is a barren womb lumped in with these things? BECAUSE ITS NORMAL TO FEEL LIKE I DID.
You do NOT have to feel bad that you can’t stop thinking about babies, you want to be involved with very thing ‘baby’ and yet you don’t because it feels like you’re stabbed in the heart every time you see, smell, touch, hear, hey… even taste anything that is remotely related to a baby. Anyone who has struggled with this can tell you. There is NO escape from it! Even if I were to take my husband and live on top of a mountain, with no people, no books, no media, no pictures, no stores, my heart would still long for babies, the lack of them is a void in every woman’s soul.
Maybe you think, as I did, “Well, shouldn’t I be able to fill myself with God and no longer be tormented by these fears and desires?” Well of course filling yourself with God makes a HUGE difference, but you cannot deny what God called you to be! God promised children, and even deep in his presence the longing will still be there. Certainly not as intense, but still there.
I had season when I tried to fill every little hole with God, and it was amazing, but I grew frustrated, beliving that because the desire was there, I was not doing enough, or I was failing in some way. I still fill myself with God, but I’ve come to realize that what I feel is normal, and God knew that about women, which is why He put Proverbs 30:16 in the Bible.
You don’t have to strive to not want a child, you just need to accept that you need to wait for God. Impossible you say? Well… yeah, I’m still trying to figure that one out myself, sorry, I don’t have the answer on how to wait for God in something like this, but I am comforted to know that it’s ok for me to continue to desire while I fill my heart with His love.
God has not forgotten us, He never will. That is a hard thing to remember, the line slips from my mind constantly, but God has a funny way of fixing that.
One of my little brothers is adopted. When he was adopted my parents adjusted his name, adding Zachary to his name, which I just found out means ‘God has Remembered’. This boy is fairly new to faith, but his heart is open, and he listens. He is constantly hearing from God that I’m going to get pregnant, it’s persistence almost to annoyance! I’m not annoyed in the least, by the way, but it makes me laugh. God is using a new member of my family, who was named that God Remembers, to remind me of His promises. When the direct line of communication between me and God is faulty at best, because my faith has been worn down over time, like a river over a rock, He has used someone else to keep on me, helping me to keep hoping, keep waiting, and keep building my faith, which was once so strong.
A few weeks ago, God was pressing on Zach to pray for me, so he approached one of my fathers in the faith and told him. He then collected my other little brother Caleb, who has a gift for healing, and my parents who are strong for me when I can’t be, and my husband, who is always there, hoping and waiting along side of me.
They began to pray, and I felt my hope being renewed, my faith being built. With out me ever saying it strong spiritual men in my life broke off the theft. Then my mother told me what Zachs name meant, and again with out me telling them I felt this way, broke off the feeling that I was forgotten. My father began calling out names, strong children that would be birthed from my womb. One of the first names he called out, was the name God told me to name my first son, 11 years ago.
Recognizing this was a time for healing I told my family about the torment and torture I was suffering. I was angry that the devil had over time, turned something so joyous in to something of despair and sadness. Friends who struggled for a shorter time than I to get pregnant, finally did get pregnant, and I mourned, rather than jumped for joy, knowing they would jump for joy with me when I turn came.
I’m still waiting for my day, but my hope and my faith have been renewed. God has not forgotten about me, I’m NORMAL in the way that I feel, and it’s alright to feel that way. It’s not wrong! Never feel it is wrong! It is wrong to curse God because of your pain, but its not wrong to have a desire so strong you can taste it, and feel it in every bone in your body.
If you’ve struggled with this, or know someone that has, maybe my story can help them, to renew their hope. This isn’t just for me. I feel strongly that there are others out there who are fighting, and who are despairing, and I hope that my story can remind them, they are not forgotten. With God anything is possible. When I was a baby, I was babysat by a woman who had no womb, but had the strong desire to have children. God grew a womb for her and gave her children! He is a loving God who wants to give Children by the bucket full!
Please leave comments, I’ve love to know what people think…
